When I was worried about going to the gym induction, that worry will continue I am sure!, I will probably be in a similar state next time I go, but i know from experience that if I make myself do things I will be better in every way, its the same as muscle memory, i.e. if you don't use your legs you will forget how to use them... kind of use it or loose it scenario… well this is the same, only the muscle memory is of your mind!. Pete reminded me of when I started to return to swimming, a place I was familiar with before I was suddenly taken ill, it has a special place in my recovery and its one of the things I will remember as being extremely tough but I am so glad I just keep persevering with it. For a whole month I tried to go swimming, it started with just putting things in a bag to go then bailing, then I progressed to getting in the car but turning right instead of left so I couldn't go!… To next getting to the pool but unable to walk through the door. I was so cross with myself for the inability to just sort it like I always do. The frustration and anger at myself wasn't the best way to deal with it. But as I am Ex Military I struggle with anything I can't overcome, I mean what is that all about! Cant doesn't even register in my brain, well it didn't!.... This was odd something I had never experienced before a tug of war in my brain which wasn't and still isn't behaving! The fear was real and had real physical symptoms. I was worried I would not be able to breath, worried there was no De Fib, worried the lifeguard wouldn't see me, couldn't get me out, worried I would forget where my locker was, worried I would just collapse, worried I would have a further internal bleed oh and the list goes on and on and on. I would be like some sort of crazy lady there speaking to myself saying for goodness sake Michelle GET A GRIP! but only the people who have been there will understand the actual fear and pain it causes and the anger and frustration of dealing with it. Have you ever been on the edge of an abseil and physically can't lower yourself over the edge or the moment you jump out for a parachute jump and you freeze…. well its exactly like that but worse!
So I am able to swim and to make sure I don't forget how to do it I have a routine I follow each time so it gets easier and easier. Today was swim day, I go early as I work full time…well more than full time in my own business so all this has to fit around it… But today wasn't the best, had breathing issues today and I couldn't get them to resolve so after a difficult 30 I got out the pool usually getting to 40 somehow. I should feel glad I did that but I feel cross I didn't reach my 40 goal… but two partial faints and heart playing up thought better call it a day and returned home instead! Bit like Forest Gump you never know what sort of day you will get until its here…If its a passing out sort of day its usually best I stay put as to push it on those days never ends well…to put it mildly!
So small steps and silly personal achievements are huge to me, but maybe so insignificant to someone who has never had life changing events.
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