HAPPY DAYS! LEGS WORK!

Just had to share this!!!Apologies!...Oh it's such a fab feeling that I can actually bend to sit on the loo the day after the gym! Ok too much information but I was dreading the day after if it was going to be like last week, it still hurts don't get me wrong but a sort of achievable hurt!

I often wander what makes people do what they do especially the ones on my top admiration list! Achieving against the odds... strong focused people I have way up high on a pedestal!

On a very much smaller scale with me I can't help think "but what if I can!" I never think what if I can't ...,not ever... I think it comes from my military training you survive no matter what attitude, sometimes this can work against you though... Pete and I have to be split up in the gym as we are both competitive, only it's my mind that's engaged not my body, so I think I can beat him but as soon as I go for broke my body shuts down and I end up on the floor which can be very dangerous , so I constantly battle to hold back .. but since I can't see his readings on the machines now and we don't compare (only the pain lol) it's working a bit better! As I end up collapsed on the floor often enough without that! I am able to suss that a bit and more rarely now it happens in public .. I am usually at home as I know in the morning generally if it's a going to be a hard day and tend to keep a low profile... I would rather people think I am fine fit and happy than a walking disaster! It's a case of managing all the health issues to remain as healthy and fit as possible for as long as possible. This last year changed my life in a heart beat quite literally and my world will never be the same .. but I have to embrace it and make it work. You find yourself giving yourself a  stern talking to quite often to snap you out of a negative unproductive space. But gradually as you understand the mind you can start to change and manipulate it into a better space to achieve and not be held back by negative thoughts .. life is short I am lucky to be here -TWICE!.. and today is good. 

I think the thing that makes you stronger is never be afraid of failing, be afraid of not trying! , you don't know what you can achieve until you put everything on the line and commit in whatever you do in life not just health, fitness etc everything .. Steves girlfriend sometimes looks at me like I've landed from mars as my glass is always half full and I am always excited at the thought of another adventure or chapter or goal.. I think she is getting the hang of our madness now and hesitantly I say, quite likes it... or maybe I'm deluded (-it's possible!) I always say to Laura and Steve they can achieve anything in life, just got to put their mind to it... anything is possible. 

Don't think I don't have really really bad dark, frustrating  days, but I am learning to deal with them and try not let them take hold or take up room in my life, but its no  picnic sometimes!

FLYING SOLO!

Our first session without Chris the gym chap on our backs correcting us, so we have a chart! A sort of star chart ha ha. It reminds us what we should be doing and how! Both Pete and I completed our task although I would have easily not gone today, my legs have hurt like you wouldn't believe after Monday and I never thought I would walk normal again! and my heart has been playing up and not sleeping at all... So it would have been easy to bail! I didn't, I attended and was glad I did as when I warmed up the pain subsided and I was able to do the training. We will have to introduce walks soon also, I am not sure how its all going to go at present and work is busy, but we have started so we must see where it goes and if it is possible to walk the london marathon in september!… I have yet to have my GPs consent, but I am hopeful this time he will sign. Although I don't really want to go to the gym, when I have been (if pete didn't go i certainly wouldn't bother! any excuse!) hard things are best overcome, we all have these words of wisdom in our heads, we all know whats best and whats best for other people, but its only when you yourself actually overcome obstacles big or small that you value and appreciate the impact and the gravity of what you have just achieved….


The worst ones are the ones that are trying to help but in fact fill you with self doubt and feeling of failure and an inability to be happy at what you can do… for example I had one person the other day, she said "oh so and so is a lot worse off than you, bed ridden she is" I could feel my anger inside and then guilt for feeling anger all at once…. BUT ITS NOT YOU IS IT… you are not going through the mental and physical issues so let me acknowledge and celebrate and be happy that a small step has been taken. I am sure her so and so friend would feel the same, her goals and targets are different and great achievements whatever they are.. and unless you have walked in the shoes you are judging probably best to just encourage or keep quiet, people don't want pity, thats no use at all, they want positive help to achieve their goals whatever they may be, well thats my take on it in my situation …everyone is very much different in all aspects... There is always someone worse off, its not a competition, its life and we need to live it and sometimes you need to concentrate on the hard issues before you and try to navigate them, whilst helping others along the way in a positive productive and proactive way. Crickey I have got on that horse this morning , swallowed a dictionary, but I thought as this is a warts and all I am writing an honest account of some of the journey. I wish I started this a year ago when I first fell ill as you forget quickly how you couldn't walk from one end of the kitchen to the other or get up a flight of stairs.

FIRST REAL TRAINING DAY!

Induction done last week, and today was the day when  we were issued with our plan!… 15 min cycle warm up, 20 min walk on the machine, 5 min row, 30 squats and 5 min cool down on the bike… Well I feel like Ive been hit round the body with a wet fish and a brick! Had a few wobbles today, heart flipped out but sat for a while and got it back in, gave Chris a bit of concern, but you don't know what you can do until you try…then stop quickly!. The exercise is not much for a fit person! But to me it was gruelling! I did try to push a light weight but that wasn't happening at all, that was too much for the heart to behave, so Chris said to stick to this for a few weeks and go from there, he will increase when I am able. So I came out of the gym unable to walk up the steps so something has worked!… and with a huge grin on my face that we had ….one…. actually gone and…. two... actually completed the hour and still standing….ISH…. But then it dawned on me, I achieved 20 mins walking…. I need to get to 10-12 hours walking in a year!!!! MMMMMM best not think about it really… just take today and then deal with tomorrow when it arrives!! Today was surprisingly ok… Ill see if I can move anything in the morning!

SMALL STEP FOR ONE…. MASSIVE STEP FOR ANOTHER

When I was worried about going to the gym induction, that worry will continue I am sure!, I will probably be in a similar state next time I go, but i know from experience that if I make myself do things  I will be better in every way, its the same as muscle memory, i.e. if you don't use your legs you will forget how to use them... kind of use it or loose it scenario… well this is the same, only the muscle memory is of your mind!. Pete reminded me of when I started to return to swimming, a place I was familiar with before I was suddenly taken ill, it has a special place in my recovery and its one of the things I will remember as being extremely tough but I am so glad I just keep persevering with it. For a whole month I tried to go swimming, it started with just putting things in a bag to go then bailing, then I progressed to getting in the car but turning right instead of left so I couldn't go!… To next getting to the pool but unable to walk through the door. I was so cross with myself for the inability to just sort it like I always do. The frustration and anger at myself wasn't the best way to deal with it. But as I am Ex Military I struggle with anything I can't overcome, I mean what is that all about! Cant doesn't even register in my brain, well it didn't!.... This was odd something I had never experienced before a tug of war in my brain which wasn't and still isn't behaving! The fear was real and had real physical symptoms. I was worried I would not be able to breath, worried there was no De Fib, worried the lifeguard wouldn't see me, couldn't get me out, worried I would forget where my locker was, worried I would just collapse, worried I would have a further internal bleed oh and the list goes on and on and on. I would be like some sort of crazy lady there speaking to myself saying for goodness sake Michelle GET A GRIP! but only the people who have been there will understand the actual fear and pain it causes and the anger and frustration of dealing with it. Have you ever been on the edge of an abseil and physically can't lower yourself over the edge or the moment you jump out for a parachute jump and you freeze…. well its exactly like that but worse!

So I am able to swim and to make sure I don't forget how to do it I have a routine I follow each time so it gets easier and easier. Today was swim day, I go early as I work full time…well more than full time in my own business so all this has to fit around it… But today wasn't the best, had breathing issues today and I couldn't get them to resolve so after a difficult 30 I got out the pool usually getting to 40 somehow. I should feel glad I did that but I feel cross I didn't reach my 40 goal… but two partial faints and heart playing up thought better call it a day and returned home instead! Bit like Forest Gump you never know what sort of day you will get until its here…If its a passing out sort of day its usually best I stay put as to push it on those days never ends well…to put it mildly!

So small steps and silly personal achievements are huge to me, but maybe so insignificant to someone who has never had life changing events.

FIRST DAY POST INDUCTION!

Pete will be the constant source of entertainment throughout this journey!  Being 60 next year doesn't make any difference to him he hasn't got past the 7 year old phase! Chris yesterday went to great lengths to chat through the importance of training precisely and right, one to avoid injury and two to get the most out of the workout. We are not looking to build muscle or anything like that we are there to purely try and get our bodies to deal with the stamina needed to walk at a pace for 12 hours or so or whatever it takes, to help get through the wall, all the physical pains attributed to marathons, many runners we know wouldn't like to walk the marathon. Its a bit like us, we cycle the camel trail but to walk it…. The boredom would almost certainly set in and my boredom threshold is low, I like things quick and now! Muscle fatigue and cramps, too much chemicals in the wrong places etc etc. Hark at me, like I am some sort of fit person, I've only been on an induction ha ha. But 5 minutes on a cycle machine and I think I can conquer the world!… no harm in deluded good thoughts eh.… now lets have a bit of a think on how this will work in reality !!! Obviously fight or flight is in sync today as yesterday fight was like rocky and flight was on a fast plane to nowhere, I didn't seem to be on either ha ha.

Anyway back to Pete, he was armed to the teeth with all the good advice, Chris said have a go and remember what he said… heart rate stable and its not about how fast its stamina training so steady wins the day. Pete couldn't resist like a 7 year old let loose, he jumped on the running machine grinning from ear to ear, level 5 max Chris said… as Pete pushed the buttons 5.1,5.2, 6, 6.3 up and up to 7.8 and he was running!…. if i paint a picture for you he was running and pressing the button with gusto like he had to eat the last few wine gums before anyone else got them that sort of panic pressing, and grinning… I reminded him that wasn't really the way to go and good job i didn't do that or we would be reaching for the de fib! So he needs to listen which will be a massive lesson for him to learn!! would love to see it!!!

Then popped out to have tea, with Chris's advice of eating for stamina ringing in his ears he couldn't help but order mash gravy and sausage! and wonder if he should have chips on the way home!! I think Pete has a little work to do on the inwardly digesting thing, but it will give both you and I a constant source of entertainment on this one.

GYM INDUCTION!

Today was the day when we made the commitment to change! Gym induction…. which I might add I have been dreading. The anxiety levels were high, different place, different expectations and hope I could formulate some sort of coherent response to the trainer, which seems to be sadly lacking at present. I avoid new situations like the plague, as I can't think, its ok to appear crazy with people you know but in public you at least want people to think you are ok! But Pete attended with me so there was no getting out of it. I changed in the ladies room and could feel my tongue going numb and my legs turn to jelly, how bazaar for someone like me that, before all the health issues was used to juggling a whole tea service of plates! But went in to see Chris the induction chap… who was very well versed in many of the health issues I face. He put my mind at ease and we continued the induction, with every bit of apparatus having a proviso for my use! We completed the induction, and I think the thing I take from today, is stop harping on about the past, i.e. how fast I used to run, how fit I used to be, how I used to be mentally. I hadn't really thought about it, but these are in fact negative responses, I need here and now. It is just how it is and it is up to me to accept it and make the most of my journey from here on in, difficult and frustrating some days to do that, but I am going to try. I will never be like i used to be, It will be an unachievable goal if i continue to set and strive for this. So lesson one for today heard, and learning! I am glad we went and I have booked in the next session on Monday. I will try to update this blog, one so I can see the journey, how ever far it gets and two to maybe shed some light and help for anyone else? Who knows. Its wasn't long ago I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs or breath at all and definitely not string a sentence together…. so I must remember how far I have come, and not how far I may not get.